


The Only Heaven I’ll Be Sent to Is When I’m Alone With You

by WaveRiding (ElevenElectric)



Series: Holy Hands Make Me A Sinner [1]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Background Mazikeen (Lucifer TV), Bisexual John Constantine, Breaking into his friends's houses is John's love language, DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV) Season 5, John Constantine Has PTSD, John Constantine is bad at feelings, John Has Issues, John Needs A Hug, John is a Hot Mess, Lucifer (TV) Season/Series 04, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) is Bad at Feelings, Lucifer Morningstar Has Trust Issues (Lucifer TV), M/M, Ravenscar Psychiatric Facility (mentioned), Slow Burn, Smoking, disaster bisexuals, frenemies to lovers, using sex to avoid feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:47:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29883411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElevenElectric/pseuds/WaveRiding
Summary: Post-Crisis Lucifer and John Constantine now inhabit the same Earth. John uses this fact to justify an ill conceived attempt to recruit Lucifer’s help against Astra’s Encores. This sets off a series of events neither expected.Tags will be updated as new chapters are posted, also the rating will probably increase.
Relationships: John Constantine/Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV)
Series: Holy Hands Make Me A Sinner [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2197158
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17
Collections: Starblazer





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was beta’d but the lovely, amazing, incredible @noreasonatall here on ao3. Seriously this would not have been possible without them. 
> 
> This chapter takes place Post Legends of Tomorrow Season 5 Episode 2 “Meet The Legends” and sometime in late Lucifer Season 3.

Since the multiverse collapsed and reformed, Constantine discovered he and Lucifer were now coexisting on the same Earth, and he debated taking a trip down to LA to see if the new world order had cocked up any problems in the City of Angels. Getting the chance to annoy Luci would have been an added bonus. He never actually acted on these thoughts, though. The Devil — or, more likely, Maze — would have eaten Gary alive. Despite his charming ineptitude, Gary was a determined apprentice/assistant and practically glued himself to John’s side, trailing after him everywhere like a lost puppy, so it would have been hard to shake him for long enough to visit LA alone.

However, these Encores were becoming a real problem, and since he didn’t currently have a plan to deal with Astra, the Legends needed some extra help finding a more long-term solution besides keeping liquified corpses in their pantry. John was regretting ever getting involved with those time-travelling idiots as he stood outside Lux preparing himself for the, pardon the pun, hellish conversation he was about to subject himself too. And that was if Luci even decided to speak with him and not have him kicked out on the spot. At least Maze made good cocktails, and she had the closest thing a demon could have to a soft spot for John after he’d helped her out way back when. 

His six of Diamonds got him past the line and bouncer no problem. Easy part down. Inside, Lux was just as lavish and depraved as ever, all loud music and gorgeous dancers and that piano in the middle of it that probably cost more money than John could even fathom.

He’d just barely sat down at the bar when Maze clocked him. She set a glass in front of him and started pouring a mid-quality bourbon, asking with the slightest bit of amusement in her otherwise deadpan voice, “What are you doing here, John?”

“Looking for your boss. I’ve got a problem that he might be able to help me with.”

“Well, he’s not here, but just for you I’ll hit him up and let him know he has a visitor.”

John narrowed his eyes at the uncharacteristically kind gesture. “I know we have a history, Maze, but I didn’t know you cared that much.”

“Oh, this is as much for my entertainment as it is your benefit. I mean, I don’t even work here anymore. He pissed me off recently, and I figure handing out free drinks and giving you a little VIP treatment are as good a place as any to start getting back at him.”

John cocked an eyebrow but downed his drink all the same as she shot off a text. Nothing to do now but wait for this to play out. 

*****

Working late at the precinct, Lucifer didn’t quite know what to make of Maze’s somewhat cryptic text. This mysterious visitor at the club could be anyone. He found it kind of exciting. If it were anyone he should truly be worried about, Maze would have just taken care of it herself. The question of the hour was, did they want Lucifer the club owner, or Lucifer the Devil himself? 

Lucifer turned in his chair to face Detective Decker. “Excuse me, Detective, if we’re done here, it seems I’m needed back at Lux.”

“Go ahead. I’ll text if we get a break,” Chloe responded without looking up from the files piled high on her desk.

The drive back to the club only gave him more time to ponder this mystery visitor. Whoever they were must be someone special to catch Maze’s attention and get her to summon Lucifer. With the recent multiverse shake up, anyone, from his earth or not, could be waiting. 

Lucifer had to wonder what dear old Dad was playing at with that move. Most people had no idea the worlds had been reformed. Of course, being a celestial came with the cosmic awareness to tell when these things happened. Demons held some vague awareness that the state of the universe had changed, but he couldn’t tell how much they understood. There had always been only one Hell, after all. A single plane with separate districts for the alternate Earths, all branching out into oblivion. The recent collapse of the multiverse hadn’t affected most demons’ lives at all.

Evening fully gave way to night as Lucifer pulled up to Lux. He tossed his keys to the valet and ventured inside, his casually confident strut drawing the eyes of the people lined up outside. Lucifer climbed the stairs and scanned the crowd, trying to catch a glimpse of his mystery caller. He caught sight of Maze in a booth with someone he couldn’t quite make out, but he caught a flash of blonde at one point. With a quick stop at the bar for a splash of whiskey, he started working his way through the masses to Maze. As he neared her booth, he finally got a clear shot of his mysterious visitor and sighed in exasperation. At least Constantine wasn’t interrupting the beginnings of a threesome this time.

“Johnny! I wish I could say it’s a pleasure to see you, but that would be a lie,” Lucifer greeted his unexpected guest with a tight grin that made no effort to hide his annoyance. To Lucifer, John looked the same as ever, even after all this time. He had the same white shirt, loose tie, black slacks, trench coat ensemble he wore everywhere, the same unruly dirty blonde hair sticking up every which way, and the same uneven stubble on his face.

John smirked back, getting a little bit of an ego boost knowing that just his being there got a reaction out of the Devil. He gave a Lucifer a subtle once-over. Lucifer truly lived up to the expression “devilishly handsome” with his perfectly styled hair, rich dark eyes, and tall, built frame accentuated with perfectly fitted thousand-dollar clothes, the bastard.

“It’s been a bit, Luci. Imagine my surprise to find Maze doesn’t tend bar anymore.” 

“It’s been a few wonderful years free from having your disheveled face anywhere near my club,” Lucifer agreed.

“Years?” John’s face contorted in confusion. “Bloody time travel...”

Although he made no outward sign of it, Lucifer tucked that interesting little remark away for the future. “Timing aside, why are you here, John? You already cashed in your favor.”

“Would you believe me if I said I missed you?” John’s voice dripped with sarcasm, getting a laugh from Maze, who contentedly watched them banter back and forth. The only thing she was missing was a bucket of popcorn.

“Well, can’t say I’d blame you. Last time I saw you, we didn’t have a chance to celebrate the consummation of our deal, and I know that must have been a difficult loss on your part.”

John snorted. 

“But really, Johnny.” Lucifer pressed his palms on the table and learned in towards John. “What is it you desire from me?”

The sheer force of Lucifer’s power washed over John. His own mental and magic wards kept him from succumbing, but his inner desires still flashed in his brain. Luci may be an arrogant prick, but he wasn’t wrong about John wanting Lucifer to bend him over the bar in the penthouse and have his wicked way with him. He shook his head to recenter himself and lit up a cigarette. That was some strong mojo. “Shit, Luci, I was getting to it. No need to whip out the big guns; you know it gives me a headache.”

“Does it? I don’t care.”

“The reason I’m here is your demons have gotten bolder in your absence.” All the playful teasing from before was gone from John’s tone. “And now one of them has decided to pull a soul-harvesting pyramid scheme with the souls of the nastiest wankers you’ve got down there.” 

“I don’t see how any of this is my problem. Why is it so hard for everyone to understand I’m retired?” He pushed himself off the table with a scowl to sit across from John in the booth. Meanwhile, Maze leaned back with her cocktail, enjoying the show.

“So, you really don’t care that damned souls are being sent back into the world? I know that, back when we were on different Earths, demons didn’t act out as much where you could catch them. See, your little army realized fucking around on your Earth was more trouble than it was worth. So they played by your rules: no possessions and, if they did, only hopping into the recently departed. But without a warden keeping things in check down there, other Earths were a playground to mess around in. Possessions, soul harvesting, murder, torture, all of it.” He tried to keep any lingering bitterness about Neron out of his voice, if only because he still needed to convince Lucifer to help him out. “And before you ask, that circus you call the triumvirate that you set up to deal with the outer districts in your absence already know, and they don’t give a shit. So that brings me here. Figure since we’re all on the same Earth now, you might be a bit more inclined to lend a hand. After all, the likes of nigh-immortal Rasputin-types roaming around unchecked would probably put a damper on your retirement topside.”

John’s story, outrageous as it might be, wasn’t completely implausible to the Devil. Just as Lucifer’s celestial nature granted him awareness of major changes in the multiverse, he could also sense major disruptions to the timeline. Recently, there had been a few ripples big enough to reach his radar, although they’d faded just as quickly as they’d appeared. He also wouldn’t put it past an emboldened First of the Fallen to overstep his station. 

“Say I believe all that. What exactly would you have me do about it? Again, I’m retired and have no interest making a trip back home.”

“Of course. You popping back to put the fear of the Devil into everyone would just be too easy. Heaven forbid you actually do your job. Endless army of demons with free reign — what’s the worst that could happen?” There was no masking John’s distaste at Lucifer’s apathy this time. All that pain and rage bubbled back up to the surface, and even Lucifer looked taken aback by John’s caustic tone.

“What happened, John? That was something akin to genuine hatred, something you couldn’t even muster up for me when I nearly blew you off last time we saw each other, with the imminent end of the world and the recent death of your billionaire friend when I nearly blew you off. Would have done, too, if not for that favor I owed you.” Sure, he and John weren’t exactly the friendliest toward each other, but John always knew what and who he was. This was a level of revulsion he didn’t expect.

“You really expect me to believe you actually care what happened?” John sneered at the thought. 

“Fine. Don’t tell me, and forget about any help from me with your little demon problem.” Lucifer was being petty, but that wasn’t exactly new for him. He left the booth with a frustrated huff and disappeared deeper into Lux, Maze following his lead and leaving John to drink alone.

Constantine didn’t know why he expected that to even have a chance at working. At least he got some free booze out this ordeal, so it wasn’t a complete waste of time. The Legends were still stuck at square one with the Encore problem, though. He downed his glass in a single go and left LA altogether empty-handed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John isn't ready to give up on Astra just yet, but that doesn't mean he's ready to face his past back in England just yet. Luckily he knows just the place in LA to take his mind off it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place post LOT S5 E3 "Miss Me, Kiss Me, Love Me" and during late Lucifer S3.  
> Enjoy :)

Constantine had the chance to the Encore threat once and for all, but he couldn’t do it. When he’d stared Astra down, Bugsy’s gun in his hand, the reality of failing her again was just too much. He’d already sent her to Hell and torn her family to shreds; he couldn’t cast her off into oblivion too. Saving Astra was going to be difficult, but since when was anything easy for him? Which brought John back to LA. The odds of Luci actually helping were low, but at the very least this trip delayed him going back to Newcastle. 

It was late enough that the activity at Lux was already in full swing. The line to get in was around the block, but John bypassed it, walking right in. This time, Maze was nowhere to be seen, so he’d have to find another way of getting Lucifer’s attention. He could always get one of the new employees to contact their boss, but he doubted that would have the same effect as a text from his right-hand demon. Well, there was one option he could think of. Ages ago, Lucifer had complained to him about needing to put a lock on the elevator to the penthouse. Time to see if the Devil actually followed up on that. 

Luckily for John, he hadn’t. Lucifer hadn’t changed much about the place since John was last up here. The wet bar was still generously stocked, and the view was still breathtaking. The man himself didn’t look to be home, though. John poured himself a scotch and settled onto one of the sofas to wait. Breaking into the Devil’s home probably wasn’t the smartest idea, but his soul was already damned twice over — what’s the harm in a third?

*****

Lucifer had been roped into a post-case drink with Chloe, Ella, and Dan. They’d insisted he join them, and he found himself powerless against Ms. Lopez’s puppy dog eyes. He was able to convince them to have that drink back at Lux, as he didn’t exactly trust in their ability to choose a halfway-decent venue. The group arrived just as the crowds started really piling up in the line outside. They were a few drinks into the evening when a tap on Lucifer’s arm got his attention. 

“Mr. Morningstar, sir,” one of his waitresses, Katie, addressed him.

“Yes, darling?”

“I don’t know if you were expecting anyone, but someone went up to the penthouse about an hour back. He was blonde, with a trench coat, kind of looked homeless?” 

Lucifer sighed. What did that bastard want now? “That’s just Johnny; no need to worry.”

“Okay, sir, enjoy your night.”

He gave her a nod and turned towards his companions. “Unfortunately, I have important business to attend to upstairs, but don’t worry, Patrick here will take good care of you all.” 

He waited for Patrick to acknowledge the instruction before leaving for the elevator as Ella and Chloe called out their farewells behind him.

*****

John had certainly made himself at home, half collapsed on the leather sofa with a nearly empty bottle of scotch Lucifer was certain was unopened before he left that morning. 

“You really are a special kind of arse, Constan _tine_.” Lucifer leaned against his piano, staring down the mess of a man before him.

“Luci! Just the bugger I wanted to see.” John’s words were more coherent than most people would be able to manage with the amount of booze he’d drunk, but Lucifer could tell he was far more buzzed than sober. 

“So much that you broke into my penthouse, I see.” Lucifer paused to retrieve the bottle from John’s hands before he could refill his glass. “Is this about that soul-harvesting mess you pestered me about last time you were here?”

“It’s kind of, maybe, definitely related to that. You see, I know the bastard that’s pulling the strings on all of it. Had her cornered in Hell, with a weapon that could destroy her, soul in all, gone without a trace. Could’ve stopped it right then. But I didn’t...” John took his face in his hands. He didn’t seem completely present, like half his mind was somewhere else. “See, that’s why I’m here. I need your help, Luci. Well, that’s not all of it. I know you. I know coming here was a complete waste of my time. But, hey, anything to put off having to go see her.”

“Oh, Johnny boy, what madness have you gotten yourself into this time?” 

“Madness... funny.” John let out a humorless laugh. “Did I ever tell you about Ravenscar? I was in that loony bin for months, voluntarily even.”

John hadn’t told him that. Lucifer couldn’t say he was surprised, what with the man’s personal brand of self-destruction, self-loathing, self-importance, and trauma. Lucifer held his tongue, trying to figure the best way to approach this.

“After Dez, I thought about checking my sorry arse back in.” John’s voice was soft, words coming out in half-broken whispers. He was staring off towards the balcony, eyes unfocused.

“What happened, Johnny?” Whatever it was that John held back the last time they spoke had to have been big. The two of them never really spoke of their personal lives, and he wouldn’t call John a friend, but seeing him like this was unsettling.

“You ever hear of a demon called Neron? I know you’ve got thousands of the buggers to keep track of; can’t expect you to know all their names.” John still wasn’t looking at him, but he was talking at a normal volume now, with a regained steadiness.

That name tickled something in the back of his mind. “Neron... I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting him face to face, but I heard some whispers about a demon with grand ambitions and plans before I took my leave up here. Never paid it much thought. Every demon has dreams of power in some form, but I believe Neron was the bloke’s name.”

John’s face hardened. “He’s the one who owned my soul.” 

Well, that was an interesting development. Lucifer knew John was damned, but soul collection was never his thing, he never paid much mind to it. “Owned? As in, not anymore?”

“Neron’s gone. We killed him. Me and the Legends. Don’t laugh, they chose the name long before I came onboard.”

“Oh yes, I remember that little stunt at Heyworld! I thought that was you in the videos. It’s funny, the lengths humans will go through to deny the extraordinary. Dragon caught on camera, and they praise advanced animatronics. Not like metahumans and aliens haven’t already been proven to exist.” 

John snorted. “People just don’t want to believe the world is far more complicated than they understand.”

Lucifer took a moment to really look at John. The exorcist was tired. There was a visible, deep-set exhaustion in the shadows under his eyes and the slump in his shoulders. He could see how John struggled to keep his eyes open as he sunk deeper into the Italian leather. 

His time with the Detective must have been making him soft, because he let John crash on the couch rather than waking him up and sending him on his way. There was more about Neron that John wasn’t telling him, Lucifer knew. Whoever this “Dez” was must factor into it. Lucifer wanted answers, though he couldn’t place why. 

*****

Lucifer awoke to muffled thrashing and a loud crash. The slightest signs of the sun’s rays over the Los Angeles skyline revealed it was nearly daybreak. Lifting himself from his bed, Lucifer set off searching for what had awoken him. He got his answer once he stepped down into the main room: John had fallen from the sofa and bumped the coffee table on the way down. A snarky comment died on Lucifer's tongue as he took in the state of the exorcist.

John was breathing erratically with a wild look in his eyes, the color drained from his face. His fitful sleep left him more ragged and rumpled than when he had first arrived — something Lucifer didn’t think was possible, but here they were. John’s eyes squeezed shut as he willed himself to calm down, to moderate success.

Lucifer was at a loss. This was one of the very few moments in his immortal life he actually felt awkward. It was a foreign feeling he didn’t much care for. He fell back onto comfortable innuendo and sarcasm. “Little early for the walk of shame, isn’t it? Especially seeing as we skipped the fun part.”

“Piss off.” John looked less ashen now — good sign.

“Oh, come now, Johnny, is that any way to treat your host?” Lucifer sat down on one of the chairs opposite where John was seated on the floor, back against the sofa. “Besides, you never finished that story last night.”

“You really want to hear about my bullshit problems?”

“Consider it payment for not kicking you out — or worse — after you broke into my home and drank my scotch.” 

“Suppose that’s not the worst thing you could ask of me.”

“All right then. So, you were telling me about Neron...”

“I remember.” John took a deep breath, preparing himself for the uncomfortable conversation ahead. “Like I said last night, Neron owned my soul. One day he comes to me, asks me to help him with his evil plans. Naturally, I tell him he can sod off and shove his offer where the sun don’t shine.”

Of course he did. Lucifer chuckled. “Oh, I’m sure that went over well.”

“Wouldn’t have been the first time running my mouth got me into trouble.” John’s expression remained grim. “See, I was living with this bloke, Dez. We were together, and I told him he needed to leave, get as far away as he could while I took care of it.”

“John Constantine, in love? And here I thought your cynical heart wasn’t capable of such a thing.” Lucifer wondered just who this Dez fellow must have been to get old Johnny to settle down.

“Neither did I. But I was all in with Dez.” John looked torn between fond remembrance and grimacing regret. “I thought I had gotten through to him, got him to leave. But the stubborn arse just had to go try to save me himself.”

Lucifer sucked in a breath, knowing all too well the trouble a high level demon could give an experienced occultist, not to mention a normal human like Dez.

“Lovesick fool made a deal with Neron to keep me safe, gave Neron possession of his body. And I sent them both into Hell.” There was a heavy guilt in John’s eyes as he all but spat the words out. 

Lucifer responded with a gentle gasp. “John.” Everything started to click together in his brain. 

If John heard him, he gave no indication, just kept on with the story. “I don’t know when or how, but somehow Neron clawed his way back to Earth. Started working on his plans up here using Dez’s body as a meat suit the whole time. We were able to save Dez, free him from Neron’s grasp, but at that point it was too late. He hated me for sending him to Hell, and I can’t blame him for that. That wasn’t the worst part, though,” John said with a shake of his head. 

Lucifer knew better than to try and interrupt now, just kept his gaze on John and listened. 

“Neron managed to escape after we wrenched him out of Dez, right into the body of bloody Raymond. If there was one person in the bloody lot of us who was undeniably good, it would be Big Man. Not even Hell could shake the smile off his face or the optimism from his stupid heart. And I mean that literally; when I found him in Hell to bring him back, he’d made bleeding friends with his torturer.” John was laughing, for real this time. “Good old Raymond. He held off Neron’s control for weeks. Only relented to save his best friend. Made a deal so that Neron would spare Nate’s life.”

“This Raymond sounds rather extraordinary.” Lucifer was stunned. He’d have to tell Maze about this human surviving demonic torture through the power of friendship and good cheer.

“He is. All the team are, in their own way. Don’t tell them I said that, though, they’d never let me hear the end of it. Anyways, that deal ended up being what we needed to kill Neron for good. Tricked him into breaking his word. Got him to kill Nate, which forced the bastard out of Ray so he was vulnerable.”

“And that’s when the video happened. You leading a rousing chorus to bring this Nate back from the dead.”

“Still can’t believe that actually worked. That nonsense was just a desperate, last-ditch effort so I wouldn’t have to live with knowing that another friend was dead because of me.”

That thousand-yard stare from last night started to creep back up on John’s face, souring the satisfaction Lucifer felt at finally getting answers. He stood with a dismissive flick of his wrist. “Now that you’ve indulged my curiosity, feel free to get on with your walk of shame.”

John gave a small laugh, more to himself than in response to Luci’s teasing. “Right, then, and what exactly is my shame in this scenario? As you so kindly pointed out, we haven’t shagged.”

Lucifer smirked, and leaned in close across the glass coffee table between them. “I suppose it is too early to send you out yet. What kind of host would I be to send my guest off before the sun has properly risen?”

John’s eyes appreciatively glanced over Lucifer’s body. He rose to his knees, mirroring the man across from him so they were face to face. No one could rile John up quite like the Devil. How he could infuriate, depress, and entice him all in the span of a few hours was beyond John’s understanding. “Can’t have that, can we now?”

Lucifer closed the distance between them and only broke the lust-filled kiss to discard their clothes on the way to Lucifer’s bedroom, their previous conversation all but forgotten in favor of a far more familiar kind of intimacy.

John didn’t end up leaving until noon, wearing a shirt far too expensive and two sizes too big to be his own. 


End file.
